I’ve never been a dedicated diary writer.
For a short while in my teens it seemed like a good idea to write a diary. That is until my best friend read a short exert from it when she stayed for a sleepover, as I’d forgotten that I’d recently written about my annoyance at her after we’d had a minor falling out her reaction wasn’t great. After that I ditched the idea of expressing myself in writing.
Fast forward to my 30’s. Ten years ago in the dark depths of my chronic illness, I once again decided that keeping a diary of my thoughts, feelings and symptoms of my illness would be a good idea, and might even provide some valuable information as to why I was so sick (it most definitely didn’t and on reflection now probably made it worse). So in 2008 I sporadically kept a diary again, but thank goodness it didn’t last any longer than that. I uncovered this diary recently when clearing out the house and boy did it make for depressing reading.
The writing was not depressing because of the long list of physical symptoms I listed day in and day out, but because of the painful ‘reality’ I lived in back then, and my total lack of awareness as to how I was creating (all be it innocently though), a very unhappy life. I was SO caught up in my own story of misery constantly analysing my thoughts and feelings. Scarcity was like a thread that ran through every area of my life. Page after page was an expression of:
Lack of energy
Lack of sleep
Lack of feeling loved
Lack of feeling valued
Lack of feeling supported
Lack of time
Lack of money.
The irony is not lost on me as to how much I write and share my personal stories now.
There is now a vast difference. It’s not that I’ve gone from rags to riches, or that I’ve gone from being chronically ill to a healthy, vibrant, energetic person, it’s not even that my relationship with my husband and other close family members are the most connected and loving they have ever been.
Yes, I’m in total agreement that it does totally look like from the outside looking in that those things would make a difference and ‘make me happy’.
People that don’t know about the huge shift I’ve had in my psychological experience through countless insights, would assume that it’s just because I have my s@*t together these days.
I’ll tell you what hit me skimming through my diary this morning. I spent a lot of time trying to make meaning out of everything going on in my body, my relationships, and my daily interactions with the world. I was what I now term ‘outside in’. I thought that all my uncomfortable, anxious, painful feelings and experiences were happening to me as a result of the world ‘out there’ or because my body was so chronically ill and not self created through my own thought.
BUT our felt experience doesn’t work that way and it never did. Believing it did was what caused my pain, and quite possibly my illness (the cause of which I’m not really bothered about now anyway). It really has happened the other way round. The more understanding I have had around health, money, relationships, time or whatever else, then the easier those areas of my life seem to play out.
Do you feel stuck in any, or all of these areas?
If so, I am running 4 online 1 day workshops over the next 8 months to help you see through the reality that you may have innocently created that is keeping you stuck.
The thing is we don’t even ‘see’ the problem until we have an insight, an ‘aha’ moment. The problem can look terribly real and doesn’t make it any less painful, just like my list of ‘lack’ in my diary 10 years ago. In fact many of my clients suffer from chronic illness and It's no coincidence that they are invariably the ones that struggle the most with an 'outside in' template for living their life.
The first workshop I’m running is on Saturday 29th September, ‘Master Your Money’. It’s online so you can immerse yourself in this understanding for a whole day in the comfort of your own home. (plus you’ll get the recording afterwards too).
Full ticket price is £299, but book now and you’ll grab it for the early-bird price of just £99. Plus the first 5 bookings qualify for a free one-to-one session with me to follow on from the day intensive to really ground your new understanding.
Or you can sign up now for all 4 one day online intensives and receive a 25% discount; basically you’re getting 4 for the price of one full price ticket at £299.